Convenience
by krisblue
Summary: Post-married darvey. Largely based on a headcanon where Donna's side of things is never resolved and a scene between Scottie and Harvey in 3x01. Special mention: @Donnapaulsen - never would have written something this messed up without you! TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of miscarriage and blood.


*** The last thing we all need right now is angst of this magnitude but, here you guys go anyways xx**

 *** TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of miscarriage and blood**

...

Her fingers were tightly wrapped around the coffee mug, seeking warmth that has long since left. The coffee shop gradually emptied of people. There was a student in the corner opposite hers, typing more and more frantically as the hours flew by. Every harsh jab at the keyboard felt like a personal attack against Donna's mind, which has been desperately scrambling to regroup ever since earlier tonight. It was now 1:00 AM and Donna was fighting a losing battle with the following mantra: you are his wife, the mother of his soon to be two children – get your shit together.

"Is that _Harvey's_?" The icy stare and the indifferent pointing to her wedding band. God… she almost took it off right there. She felt like she was playing at something. None of it was real as soon as she met Scottie's eye. Her life with Harvey… their little girl. Then there were all those words that have already been circling in her mind: easy… convenient… always been there. She's already dissected that conversation so many times that it did not even flow in her mind; it existed in integral snippets that seemed to give life to her every doubt about him.

Her Harvey running after Scottie in an airport, her Harvey being struck by her beauty and intelligence, and her Harvey… always having a place in his heart for Scottie. Well, maybe not exactly her Harvey. She is not the jealous type, and she knew it wasn't jealousy she was feeling. Maybe a certain wrongness? She felt like if she stepped through their front door right now… she would be the wrong woman. Anger seemed to flare out from her stomach, making its way towards her throat… in its wake, it filled the deep void that seemed to pound within her. She couldn't believe he did this to her. Donna Paulsen: a _placeholder_. Donna Paulsen: the _practical_ option. Her every fear – nights where she woke up in cold sweat to check whether he was still asleep next to her. Thinking back to her younger self. He had fucked her and left in the middle of the night. He seemed to break every precedence in her life.

Suddenly it felt stupid… her sitting there. Her only companion seeming to have almost finished the paper he's been pounding away at. It didn't make sense but the college atmosphere that seemed to radiate off him, with his tired eyes and the amount of times that his coffee mug has been refilled, made Donna feel a sense of immaturity in her being there. Her red curls too perfect, her tightly fitted lace top too much like every top her mother has ever worn, and the slit going up her thigh way too high.

Her face was flushed with the pang of humiliation that seemed to be eternal tonight. She had quietly made her way to the entrance and was now greeted with frigid wind and life – people at 1:00AM still going about their business while Donna Paulsen's life seems to have ended multiple times in the last couple of hours as she dissected every sham that had supported her reality with Harvey. Harvey… it's weird. He's all that she's been thinking about but it seems like she almost forgot there's a living, breathing man attached to this name. A man that is the source of the anger that was threatening to explode out of her onto the damp pavement.

...

Donna locked the door behind her, taking off her heels and setting them side by side. Their living room was only lit by the lights of the city, casting a dim glow over every object in the big space. A big, stuffed teddy bear laying on its face on the couch eclipsed the drama of the cold space and grand furniture. Her baby seemed to soften their every edge… she even softened the big living room. The modern, white kitchen. And Harvey… watching him with her always made her feel so warm like she will never ever feel cold again. Like every part of her life has been dark and unwelcoming until that very moment. But right now… she wasn't warm. She was on fire. The burn was coursing through her blood and leaving behind a trail of something permanent and scarring.

As she turned away from her heels he was there. He was almost vibrating with anger that rivaled her own, his hands balled into fists at his side. Her brain could not make sense of his anger in that moment… until the sound of his voice made her flinch back into reality, "WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? YOUR PHONE WAS OFF AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HOME HOURS AGO. I WAS ABOUT TO CALL THE POLICE, DONNA. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I'VE BEEN?" When she made no indication that she was intending to respond to his feverish words, he growled at her to say something. How _dare_ he, she thought, her mind frantic. How dare he be mad at her after what he's done, been doing for years. Using her – _tricking_ her into giving him this domestic peace he was counting on having if every last-ditch effort to find someone else didn't pan out. She had so much she wanted to say to him, but all she could muster up was a whispered, "Am I just that convenient?"

The confusion that flashed across his features seemed to mute his anger. " _What_?" He came closer to her, like he's approaching someone who's about to have a mental breakdown but is just holding on to whatever sanity is left. His hands were now open, going to her waist. The thought of him touching her and making it all better seemed so enticing but her brain caught up with her and she felt humiliated at how needy she was. Somehow… she wished he would comfort her from the pain that he has caused her himself? He's truly fucked her up in every way possible. Some version of her had to have been stronger than the one that is shaking in front of him right now. Tears were threatening to stream down her cheeks. But the anger won out; she backed away from him until her back hit the door she had just closed.

"I'm not the one. I'm what was easy. You knew I would say yes to anything you wanted. When things didn't work out with Scottie, time and time again, you just gave up and picked the easy option. KNOCKED HER UP, MARRIED HER. I saw Scottie tonight. She made everything very clear. You knew from the moment that you met her that she was it. Meanwhile, what did you think the first time you saw me? WHAT HAVE YOU THOUGHT ALL THESE YEARS? I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW STUPID I'VE BEEN TO EVEN THINK-"But he didn't let her finish. He walked a couple of steps away from her, placing some distance between them. Her breaths came out in gasps, her vision zeroing in on the white cotton shirt stretching across his back as his muscles seemed to ripple with anger.

"Have you lost your _fucking_ mind? I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. Before our daughter, I thought that you had somehow broke me. I love you so much that I can't spare enough love within me to love anybody else. I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK ALL NIGHT AND YOU'VE BEEN DOING WHAT? WORRYING ABOUT A WOMAN I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IN YEARS?" He shook his head, pacing around the room and unable to even look at her. His words seemed to make her angrier. " _Why_ then? _Why_ wait so long to be with me?" She asked, walking towards him this time. She cursed the way he towered over her, wishing that she could have every ounce of authority in this. "Because I was scared Donna… scared of ruining us. But look at you, you seem to be doing _a fine job_ of just that all by yourself." She opened her mouth to respond to his wave of bitterness when she heard the faint sound of footsteps across the floor and sniffling. "Mommy?" Their daughter walked towards Donna, her cheeks pink from crying while she rubbed her eyes with her little fists. She went to pick her up but Harvey stepped in-between them and picked her up instead, "I think you've done _enough_ tonight, sweetheart."

As he walked away, gently hushing their little girl, Donna felt like she was breaking. She felt like she was intruding on her own life. She really does have a way of ruining everything. Her vision blurred with unshed tears as she felt too weak to even make it to their bed. The room had felt so full with their angry words but now the silence threatened to swallow her up.

...

She blankly stared at the white ceiling, not actually seeing it. It felt like hours since Harvey had left her standing there, cutting her anger and hurt short with a couple of words that seemed to burn like a knife in her gut. She dug her nails into the bed, feeling a sharp pain in her stomach. Her hand left the bed and went to her almost flat stomach, except for the little bump that was starting to form. The pain got sharper and she sat up in bed, her hair falling to her face as she held her stomach with both hands and tried to breath normally. It was probably nothing but she felt that familiar panic.

She slowly got off the bed as the pain got sharper and made her way to the bathroom. It might be her imagination but she really did feel like she might be leaking. The bathroom door locked with a click. Before she could even make a move to check why she felt so wet she could see her skirt in the mirror stained with blood. Her face was pale and her hair too red in the harsh light. She fell to the floor, shaking all over. Was she having a miscarriage? They couldn't happen this fast, no. This can't be happening to her. She would never forgive herself. Had it been because she was so angry? Her thoughts were spiraling and her skirt felt wetter but she couldn't get off the cool floor. Her blood-soaked skirt was staining the floor, is the only thought that she could muster up.

In that moment Harvey had entered their bedroom, looking for her. He couldn't let her sleep without taking it all back. He didn't know what got into him. He wished that for once he could just be able to tell her exactly how he feels but then those angry green eyes meet his and he loses all sense. The sheets were rumpled and there was a streak of blood but Donna wasn't there. His heart dropped as he scrambled to reach the door knob to their bathroom but she had locked it. "Open the door Donna… Baby what's wrong, just open the door _please,_ " She wasn't answering him and he was moments away from breaking that door down. He felt lightheaded with worry and all he could see was the _red_ of the blood on the bed.

Seconds felt like eternity as he heard the click of the door. She seemed fine but so pale. She had strands of hair stuck to her cheeks from the tears and was shaking all over. Then he noticed the blood. It stained her skirt and the floor. "I'm sorry… I don't- I don't know what," he moved towards her and pulled her to him. Brushing her hair away from her face. She felt so small in his arms and he wished that he could make every bit of pain she's feeling go away. "Everything is going to be okay. You have nothing to be sorry about. We will go to the hospital and make sure you're okay. That's all that matters." It seemed like an eternity ago… he had promised her that he wouldn't let anything bad happen to her. He didn't know his promise would be broken by blood and her sobs, filling the room and his world.


End file.
